is it?

Is it my insomnia or is it a messed up regime?
Am I frentic? Did I achieve it or was I born this way?
I cannot remember a time when my brain was calm and released. Only short periods, like summer vacations, like spa weekends for my cortex and my spirit. 
And oh I always know so much and I am regularly so confused by myself.
Yes, of course I know what I want1 Yes, of course I make firm decisions!
Oh, I knew it was wrong, I knew it was unsafe and stupid, I knew it, I saw the glimmer of the tragic end from the bright beginning! I want to give you up. No, I can't give you up. It's unthinkable.
I made a mistake.
I have to correct it.
No, first I have to carry it out until it ruins me completely.



The "yes" and the "no"s, the back and forths, they are a senseless motion of no use.
Did I make it visible to you? Is it plain to see?
That's pretty much me- small, second-guessing and twitching.
I am noone to admire.